Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try.

A couple of nights ago, a good friend asked me a question. He asked where I would want to be,  if I could be anywhere in the world. Without thinking, I said there, in that exact spot, in that exact moment. I mean, c'mon. How many places in the world have a view like the sun setting over Buena Vista? Between Good View, great food and better company, who could ask for anything more? I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about this moment since then. And, as it turns out, I was more right than I originally thought.

I had a chance to go anywhere in the world. Yeah, at graduation, I could've gone to any city or school. I chose Phoenix. And then, later, when I decided it was time to grow up, I could've picked anywhere. Yeah, going to a church school was highly recommended, but if I didn't want to go that path I would've found another way. As it was, there was only one place in my heart, and that was here. From that first moment that I stepped off the airplane into Roanoke back in May, I knew that this was the place. That's all I could think, this is the place. This is the place that I want to spend the next four years of my life. This is the place that I want to tell my kids about. This is the place that I plan to meet some of the greatest friends I'll ever have, and maybe even someone to spend forever with. This is the place that I'm supposed to be.

It's really hard to remember this, going through the day to day of life. I get caught up in the drama and the stress and the humdrum, or start missing my family and friends and an H&M within driving distance. But I know that it's true. There's something here for me. Maybe someone. It's hard to say at this point. But what is important is that it's here, and that I'm going to find it. And next time I feel frustrated or hurt or upset, I need to remember that life isn't a series of accidents. There's a point, and a purpose, and a reason. I just need to make sure that I do everything I can to make it happen.



Really, the moral of this story is that I have ridiculous l'esprit de l'escalier: when you think of a response when it's too late to deliver it.

Put away the All American Rejects album for a minute and listen to what I have to say.

Dear Fifteen Year Old Me,

I get letters from you all the time (via futureme.org - I don't remember when you started this, so get on it. It's delightful) so I figured it was about time I replied.

So, here's the deal. Life isn't going to turn out like you expected. I know you want to be disappointed, but don't be. It's going to be so much better. There will be some definite dark spots, but you already knew that. Those boys that you're giving your heart to? They're not going to stick around. But I guess you already knew that, too. You're going to lose a lot of people that you love, but you're going to gain more. I wish I could tell you that you need to be careful, that you should hold back and not be so open, but I know that's not your way. And more than that, it's all those stumbles and falls that make me who you're going to be, and let me tell you. Things are pretty awesome from where I'm standing.

That being said, I do have some advice. You probably won't listen to it, because let's face it. I'm an adult, and we all know how you feel about those.

-That best friend you have right now? Hold onto her for dear life. She may not be around forever, but she's going to help you grow up more than anyone in the world. Tell her that you love her every chance you get.
-Mascara is your best friend. Just trust me on this.
-You know how you're so jealous of the popular cheerleaders? Here's the truth - you're just as popular. People love you! Don't forget to appreciate what you have with friends and family.
-Oh, yes, family. You have an awesome one. I know you probably don't believe me, but you're going to get to be so close with them. Your little sister is going to turn into a total babe, and you should be nicer to her. Really, to everyone. The day will come when they're going to be all you have.
-You should study more in school. Acadec was a great choice, but if you spent more time actually studying and less time focusing on all the drama with that crazy boy of yours, you're going to be so much better off. It took me a long time to figure this out, but you get scholarships for placing at state. Get on it, girl.
-Okay, this is a tricky one. Mostly because you don't realize it's a problem yet. But you are special. You are good enough. And you don't need to turn to all these boys for validation, because they're not going to give it to you. It's not that they're using you, it's that they're growing up, too. You expect these kids to know how to fix you when you yourself don't, but here's the big secret: it's okay to not have it all figured out. You are so young. Just let things happen, you know? Let yourself be sad, let yourself be happy, live in the moment. Someone is going to give you the best piece of advice you'll ever hear. I'm going to beat her to it:
Let it come.
Let it stay.
Let it go.
-I love you, but your hair is awful. Stop cutting it.
-Start listening to these bands. You know who may not be good at relationships, but he has fantastic taste in music: The Mountain Goats, John Mayer, The National, Jenny Owen Youngs, Oasis, The Decemberists, Weezer, and Iron & Wine. Kathy has fantastic taste in music too, start getting all your jams from her.
-Watch The OC. Yeah, whatever, it's a stupid high school kid show, but guess what. You're a high school kid. And maybe if I can get you dressing like Rachel Bilson now, you'll have fantastic style by the time you're me. I know you think that wearing a skirt as a shirt, or leggings with shorts is the height of fashion now, but just... Trust me on this, okay?
-Get your butt to rehearsal. I don't remember when along the line you decided you were too cool for your one great passion, but you're talented, and you love it. Get off your high horse, babe. One break up (or a million break ups, as it probably feels) isn't worth giving this up. You're going to regret it, I promise.
-Don't be so hard on yourself. You can succeed if you give yourself a chance. That goes for everything - writing, studying, wearing those shoes with that outfit.
-Boys at your age are dumb. But there is a light on the horizon! I can guarantee this, though it's all I can say: your taste in men WILL increase exponentially with every guy you date. They get cuter, better, nicer, and by the time you're my age, they'll be the cream of the crop. Don't worry so much.

I think that's about it. I don't want you to change too much, because of the whole butterfly effect thing (oh yeah, get into philosophy. I have a feeling you're going to love it) but I know that you could use a little hope right about now, and I'm just gonna say.

When you're twenty, you're going to have lots of friends, be in college, and be so pretty. You're not in love, but you love yourself, and that's going to be worth way more.

Love love love,
Cass